EmilySays
...everything is the same, after all. 06/18/2011
i'm not sad.
i'm more than sad.
i actually can't even start to describe how i feel right now,
but i know that i don't like it.
i don't like being sad, all the time .
i wish i could forget things, because then i would be happy all the time. i would do anything to just somehow get amnesia right now. get rid of all the pain, and the heartache, and something that i absolutely killing me right now.
i don't
know what
to do.
i'm more than sad.
i actually can't even start to describe how i feel right now,
but i know that i don't like it.
i don't like being sad, all the time .
i wish i could forget things, because then i would be happy all the time. i would do anything to just somehow get amnesia right now. get rid of all the pain, and the heartache, and something that i absolutely killing me right now.
i don't
know what
to do.
seeing your face makes me feel completely empty, physically. and i don't know how. you may say you love me, but i know deep down you don't. i may say i want nothing to do with you, but i know somewhere that can't be true.
i hate this.
i hate how i have to see you, and i hate how people just see through me, and i most definitely hate pretending and hiding this.
you are a terrible person.
and i just want to be happy. i want to be happy and content, and patient. that is all.
<3
i hate this.
i hate how i have to see you, and i hate how people just see through me, and i most definitely hate pretending and hiding this.
you are a terrible person.
and i just want to be happy. i want to be happy and content, and patient. that is all.
<3
5 Comments
kind of like a dot in the ocean. 06/05/2011
it's pre-summer at the moment. i'm 16 and 8 months. i'm currently un-employed, and without a liscense. but i am out to make the best of it.
i know i cannot blog very often because of the distance between me and a computer. but i'll try to. it makes my mind feel less crowded. it was about 75 degrees today, and yesterday. it was absolutely perfect. i spent al lday yesterday with three people whom i love, and got me thinking that,
life isn't turning out as terrible as it was before. and i'm not scared anymore. the only thing my mind is going extremely crazy over is how i'm going to end my sophomore year. i have 3 F's and if i end with those, i am in the biggest trouble. THAT is something to be truly afraid of.
i've been listening to an odd playlist this past 2 weeks. good charlotte and hellogoodbye? it's like i'm 11 years old again.
everything's different.
some good, some bad, but whatever. another day of high school tomorrow, 3 weeks left. i'm counting the days.
get me
i know i cannot blog very often because of the distance between me and a computer. but i'll try to. it makes my mind feel less crowded. it was about 75 degrees today, and yesterday. it was absolutely perfect. i spent al lday yesterday with three people whom i love, and got me thinking that,
life isn't turning out as terrible as it was before. and i'm not scared anymore. the only thing my mind is going extremely crazy over is how i'm going to end my sophomore year. i have 3 F's and if i end with those, i am in the biggest trouble. THAT is something to be truly afraid of.
i've been listening to an odd playlist this past 2 weeks. good charlotte and hellogoodbye? it's like i'm 11 years old again.
everything's different.
some good, some bad, but whatever. another day of high school tomorrow, 3 weeks left. i'm counting the days.
get me
we are nowhere and it's now. 04/01/2011
if you swear that there's no truth and who cares, how come you say it like you're right?
i have no plans and too much time, i feel too restless to unwind.
i keep this for good luck, hoping that it will come to me one day. it's a note i wrote myself.
everyone wants to feel loved and important, but for me, i would rather "be" than "feel".
...the things
that people say
can have a major impact on your mind. they will have no idea what someone is going through and will underestimate you completely while not even realizing that you have been at your breaking point. and that is because that person doesn't know a thing about you.
i don't know when i will be good again. and somehow, i think all i need is for someone to listen. someone who won't judge me, won't give feedback and advice, someone lovely enough to just listen for god's sake.
i guess i can say that there's not many people out there who will emotionally put themselves in your shoes, or even your jacket as well, and understand.
that's my goal, my one accomplishment i'm looking for this spring break, someone to understand me, and what's in my head. i have alot to say, and it's quite late, so i'll go think this away.
goodnight. i have no one to secretly say ("iloveyou") to. so i'm leaving it as goodbye. <3
i have no plans and too much time, i feel too restless to unwind.
i keep this for good luck, hoping that it will come to me one day. it's a note i wrote myself.
everyone wants to feel loved and important, but for me, i would rather "be" than "feel".
...the things
that people say
can have a major impact on your mind. they will have no idea what someone is going through and will underestimate you completely while not even realizing that you have been at your breaking point. and that is because that person doesn't know a thing about you.
i don't know when i will be good again. and somehow, i think all i need is for someone to listen. someone who won't judge me, won't give feedback and advice, someone lovely enough to just listen for god's sake.
i guess i can say that there's not many people out there who will emotionally put themselves in your shoes, or even your jacket as well, and understand.
that's my goal, my one accomplishment i'm looking for this spring break, someone to understand me, and what's in my head. i have alot to say, and it's quite late, so i'll go think this away.
goodnight. i have no one to secretly say ("iloveyou") to. so i'm leaving it as goodbye. <3
i do not recall the time and place. 04/01/2011
i know it has been about 8 months, but i can honestly say that i, as a person, have not changed at all.
of course my life is much different, certain events had caused me to quit blogging last summer. certain regrets. but that part of my life is over so i can come back and maybe go back to how it was before, before everything changed. because when it's like that, and when that period of time is in my mind, i'm not truly satisfied.
there will come a day when you realize that you are truly happy with everything in your life.
i can't wait for that day.
sometimes i wish i could go back to the last time i was here, except know the things that i know now.
of course my life is much different, certain events had caused me to quit blogging last summer. certain regrets. but that part of my life is over so i can come back and maybe go back to how it was before, before everything changed. because when it's like that, and when that period of time is in my mind, i'm not truly satisfied.
there will come a day when you realize that you are truly happy with everything in your life.
i can't wait for that day.
sometimes i wish i could go back to the last time i was here, except know the things that i know now.
people who keep journals have life twice. 07/01/2010
most days of the year are unremarkable, they begin and they end with no lasting memories made in between. most days have no impact on the course of a life.
and that is exactly how i feel about myself. for the past two weeks, i've done nothing but sit in my room, watch movies, listen to my summer playlist, and go on facebook. i've spent most of my time writing. in my journal, not here. i've been coming up with these strange, specific thoughts, and when i write them down, i don't feel like like my head is overloaded with words. they spill out all over paper, so i'm not holding onto them anymore. i'm not sure when i'm going to start actually doing things. and how. it's raining right now. i'm alone in my house. my brother's first birthday was a few days ago. his party is on saturday, and the fourth of july is the next day, so it's going to be a party lasting two days. i'm 99% sure that i'm going to be alone on the fourth again. my street looks like a freaking carnival with a zillion people every fourth of july, and i usually walk around by myself. it's supposed to be one of the funnest days of the year, i just don't put enough effort into making it one. ah, well what can you do, ya know? i'm going to try to turn in my job application pretty soon. i haven't been managing to walk to the store anymore, the weather puts up this big wall and tries to make me stay inside. this summer's not turning out how i hoped it would. i haven't given the future much thought, because if i do, it'll give me ideas, ideas will give me hope, and hope will give me nothing.
you were right. it just wasn't me that you were right about.
and that is exactly how i feel about myself. for the past two weeks, i've done nothing but sit in my room, watch movies, listen to my summer playlist, and go on facebook. i've spent most of my time writing. in my journal, not here. i've been coming up with these strange, specific thoughts, and when i write them down, i don't feel like like my head is overloaded with words. they spill out all over paper, so i'm not holding onto them anymore. i'm not sure when i'm going to start actually doing things. and how. it's raining right now. i'm alone in my house. my brother's first birthday was a few days ago. his party is on saturday, and the fourth of july is the next day, so it's going to be a party lasting two days. i'm 99% sure that i'm going to be alone on the fourth again. my street looks like a freaking carnival with a zillion people every fourth of july, and i usually walk around by myself. it's supposed to be one of the funnest days of the year, i just don't put enough effort into making it one. ah, well what can you do, ya know? i'm going to try to turn in my job application pretty soon. i haven't been managing to walk to the store anymore, the weather puts up this big wall and tries to make me stay inside. this summer's not turning out how i hoped it would. i haven't given the future much thought, because if i do, it'll give me ideas, ideas will give me hope, and hope will give me nothing.
you were right. it just wasn't me that you were right about.
let me be honest with you;
today is the second day of summer vacation. yesterday me and katie walked a few miles to go get some coffee. worth it? i guess. she's staying the night tonight. i really don't want to waste my whole summer sleeping and sitting around. this year i actually want to make a change and do things. the fifteenth summer of my life, pretty intense. lately, i've been realizing that oppurtunities aren't going to just show up at my door, i'm gonna have to go out and find them. that's pretty much my goal. i have about a month and ten days until i'm finally out of washington for a while. i am making these months worth while until i'm back in high school. ya know, you'd think on the first day of summer there would atleast be a little bit of sunshine? the skies have been grey all week, how the hell is it summer? anyways, i'm gonna go play guitar or something. happy father's day. [:
stop thinking in terms of limitations and start thinking in terms of possibilities.
today is the second day of summer vacation. yesterday me and katie walked a few miles to go get some coffee. worth it? i guess. she's staying the night tonight. i really don't want to waste my whole summer sleeping and sitting around. this year i actually want to make a change and do things. the fifteenth summer of my life, pretty intense. lately, i've been realizing that oppurtunities aren't going to just show up at my door, i'm gonna have to go out and find them. that's pretty much my goal. i have about a month and ten days until i'm finally out of washington for a while. i am making these months worth while until i'm back in high school. ya know, you'd think on the first day of summer there would atleast be a little bit of sunshine? the skies have been grey all week, how the hell is it summer? anyways, i'm gonna go play guitar or something. happy father's day. [:
stop thinking in terms of limitations and start thinking in terms of possibilities.
sometimes i wonder if i have an actual reason of why i'm here.
i don't think life could get any more ordinary. especially when everyone around me apparently has these crazy, busy lives, while i have all the time in the world to do nothing. i don't contribute to anything, and i certainly make no progress whatsoever. MAN. anyways, have you ever had a 24-hour headache? and i mean a REAL, hardcore ACHE in your head? god, that was the most awful pain ever. plus, i had like 10 cups of water and like tons of advil. i thought that would do something. NOPE, not for emily. i'm such a mess. and i mean literally, my room exploded. guess what; (500) days of summer is pretty much my favorite movie. i was watching the disney channel today, it's been awhile, it seems like the only show that's ever on is the suite life on deck. hahah. i don't watch much tv at all, mainly just movies. yeah... tomorrow's my last day of school. then i'm officially a sophmore. brooke's gonna stay the night tonight. ya know, i live downstairs in like 1200 square feet, all alone. it actually sometimes frightens me. considering the back door with no lock is like 20 feet away from my door. so i do enjoy my friend's presence. i went to the beach the other day. i don't really find looking at sea creatures interesting. i like sitting on rocks and just looking at the ocean, and building sand castles. well i'm gonna go take a nap or something awesome like that. love.
the problem is every time i start to feel a little better, it's like there's something out there that just says, 'oh, emily's about to be happy again, better get her.
i don't think life could get any more ordinary. especially when everyone around me apparently has these crazy, busy lives, while i have all the time in the world to do nothing. i don't contribute to anything, and i certainly make no progress whatsoever. MAN. anyways, have you ever had a 24-hour headache? and i mean a REAL, hardcore ACHE in your head? god, that was the most awful pain ever. plus, i had like 10 cups of water and like tons of advil. i thought that would do something. NOPE, not for emily. i'm such a mess. and i mean literally, my room exploded. guess what; (500) days of summer is pretty much my favorite movie. i was watching the disney channel today, it's been awhile, it seems like the only show that's ever on is the suite life on deck. hahah. i don't watch much tv at all, mainly just movies. yeah... tomorrow's my last day of school. then i'm officially a sophmore. brooke's gonna stay the night tonight. ya know, i live downstairs in like 1200 square feet, all alone. it actually sometimes frightens me. considering the back door with no lock is like 20 feet away from my door. so i do enjoy my friend's presence. i went to the beach the other day. i don't really find looking at sea creatures interesting. i like sitting on rocks and just looking at the ocean, and building sand castles. well i'm gonna go take a nap or something awesome like that. love.
the problem is every time i start to feel a little better, it's like there's something out there that just says, 'oh, emily's about to be happy again, better get her.
did i mention i love them? yes, you have.
anyways, heyhihello. it's 1:11 on thursday. yesterday, me, mylena, and katie danced in the rain. that was not just rain, it was like niagra falls over my house, i was surprised i wasn't sailing down the street on a boat. i'll actually put a picture of us out there after this is done. yeah, thunderstorm and torrential downpours yesterday. it may be common for some people, but in washington, it rains, it doesn't flood. so that was pretty exciting. today i heard someone say 'that's gay'. first of all; who the hell says that? second of all, they sound like an eleven year old. it really bugs me when i hear that. this weekend will be absolutely crazy. why is everything in the world happening and being planned on saturday? like seriously, it's not the only day out of the whole year that it's going to be nice outside, there will be other sunny days! really! well maybe not. plus it's muh dad's birthday, i got him a card. it's rather humorous. oh and i'm going to see a stage performance of 'alice in wonderland', ironic because i'm auditioning for that play next fall. there's a party? what? ON SATURDAY TOO. oh and we're going out to eat. really? plus, on sunday, i'm going to forks! and my sister's friend victor is giving me some guitar lessons. oh and i'm babysitting for seven hours on friday, and aleesa might come over! ha, yeah, i'm not doing anything at all this weekend. so anyways, i guess i'm done. i'llseeyoulaterguysbye.
'he who consistently plans each day will journey succesfully through all of life's years.'
anyways, heyhihello. it's 1:11 on thursday. yesterday, me, mylena, and katie danced in the rain. that was not just rain, it was like niagra falls over my house, i was surprised i wasn't sailing down the street on a boat. i'll actually put a picture of us out there after this is done. yeah, thunderstorm and torrential downpours yesterday. it may be common for some people, but in washington, it rains, it doesn't flood. so that was pretty exciting. today i heard someone say 'that's gay'. first of all; who the hell says that? second of all, they sound like an eleven year old. it really bugs me when i hear that. this weekend will be absolutely crazy. why is everything in the world happening and being planned on saturday? like seriously, it's not the only day out of the whole year that it's going to be nice outside, there will be other sunny days! really! well maybe not. plus it's muh dad's birthday, i got him a card. it's rather humorous. oh and i'm going to see a stage performance of 'alice in wonderland', ironic because i'm auditioning for that play next fall. there's a party? what? ON SATURDAY TOO. oh and we're going out to eat. really? plus, on sunday, i'm going to forks! and my sister's friend victor is giving me some guitar lessons. oh and i'm babysitting for seven hours on friday, and aleesa might come over! ha, yeah, i'm not doing anything at all this weekend. so anyways, i guess i'm done. i'llseeyoulaterguysbye.
'he who consistently plans each day will journey succesfully through all of life's years.'
-i'd feel rather alone and ill at ease, if you began to dissappear.-
wow, whatta week. where do i start? well, i'd say the most exciting part of it was family pictures... ha. see that one up there? the middle one on the banner? that's currently my facebook picture. i have a few others i like too. my mom mostly took them so we can hang them all over the walls. anyway, this weekend was pretty shawesome. i went over to mylena's with katie, and we walked around downtown stanwood for a while, i really love those little bookstores and giftshops. we spent the night there. we watched spanish soap operas, and didn't understand one word... but really, you don't even have to. on saturday, my and katie went to her house, and went through all of her clothes, cleaned her closet, and her bathroom. because ya know, we DO have lives. the fact that i have eight days of school left is really turning my pessimistic ways around. i've been a pretty happy person... when i'm thinking of that particular subject. so yeah, i went 'app shopping' on my ipod last night. psh, i wasn't bored at all, what? except, i wouldn't really call it 'app shopping', if i only got free ones. i dunno. everyone cares. so anyway, i've never seen "sex and the city" until today, i actually liked it. ha, then i watched "the house bunny" for the zillionth time. did i mention that me and katie spent our saturday writing ALL over the guitar i gave her with sharpies? and i'm talking like every square inch COVERED in song lyrics and quotes. i'm gonna go upstairs and walk around until i find something to do.
p.s. 'definition of love' by andrew landon. pretty much the most beautiful thing that will ever enter your ears.
sincerelyme.
wow, whatta week. where do i start? well, i'd say the most exciting part of it was family pictures... ha. see that one up there? the middle one on the banner? that's currently my facebook picture. i have a few others i like too. my mom mostly took them so we can hang them all over the walls. anyway, this weekend was pretty shawesome. i went over to mylena's with katie, and we walked around downtown stanwood for a while, i really love those little bookstores and giftshops. we spent the night there. we watched spanish soap operas, and didn't understand one word... but really, you don't even have to. on saturday, my and katie went to her house, and went through all of her clothes, cleaned her closet, and her bathroom. because ya know, we DO have lives. the fact that i have eight days of school left is really turning my pessimistic ways around. i've been a pretty happy person... when i'm thinking of that particular subject. so yeah, i went 'app shopping' on my ipod last night. psh, i wasn't bored at all, what? except, i wouldn't really call it 'app shopping', if i only got free ones. i dunno. everyone cares. so anyway, i've never seen "sex and the city" until today, i actually liked it. ha, then i watched "the house bunny" for the zillionth time. did i mention that me and katie spent our saturday writing ALL over the guitar i gave her with sharpies? and i'm talking like every square inch COVERED in song lyrics and quotes. i'm gonna go upstairs and walk around until i find something to do.
p.s. 'definition of love' by andrew landon. pretty much the most beautiful thing that will ever enter your ears.
sincerelyme.
^ exactly a year ago. ^
hey. tomorrow's tuesday. today's monday. katie left today. yesterday we went to mall. we walked 7 miles today. we walked to dairy queen and talked over some icecream and coffee. we found this little thrift store for clothes, like plato's closet, except better. it's so cute and so hidden. i got a fantastic pair of jeans. plus the girl that worked there was super nice. anyways, there was a bbq at my house today. only tons of people were there. so yeah. that was my weekend. did you know there's only 16 days of school left? yeah i didn't until today. kinda drop-dead excited. i'm wearing five rings. next weekend i'm spending the night at katie's and we're going through all of her clothes to see which ones she'll be donating and which ones i will be taking. haha, we're so un-fantastic. the sun didn't come out today, yet, my legs got sunburnt? anyways, i have nothing more to say. so bye.
hey you, you're driving me crazy.
hey you, you're driving me crazy.
